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21 of my favourite absurd Bible verses

21 of my favourite absurd Bible verses

The Bible is a book of claims, not a book of facts. It is not the “word of God” because “God” didn’t write it, men did.

In this article, I point out 21 of my favorite absurdities in the supposedly flawless “word of God”, the Bible.

1. God creates light before the sun and stars

God spends a day making light before making trillions of stars. “He made the stars also.”, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. Genesis 1:14-19

2. God gets tired and rested

God got tired and rested. Even God gets tired sometimes.

“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made” Genesis 2:2

3. Adam names every animal on earth

Adam names every animal on earth. God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.) After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while.

“and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field” Genesis 2:18-20

4. Cain gets a wife from outta nowhere

Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, “Every one who finds me shall slay me.” This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time — his parents! 4:14

“And Cain knew his wife.” Except the only woman on earth was Eve his mother. Genesis 4:17

5. Noah had three sons when he was 500 years old

When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons. Genesis 5:32

6. God kills all living things because human imagination is evil

God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human imagination is evil. Go figure. Generis 6:5

7. God repents that he made man

“And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart” Genesis 6:5

8. God kills everything to make the world less violent

God was angry because “the earth was filled with violence.” So he killed every living thing to make the world less violent. Genesis 6:11-13

9. 50, 000-millions of animals boarded Noah’s ark on the same day

All of the animals boarded the ark “in the selfsame day.” Genesis: 7:13-14

Noah, a 500 year old man told millions of animals onto the ark, or according to Christian apologists only 20, 000-50, 000. “However, this response requires creationists to believe that just 16,000 animals developed into billions of species in less than 4000 years” – RationalWiki

10. God enslaves the Jews (his chosen people) for 400 years

Why would God enslave the jews (his chosen people) for 400 years? Genesis 15:13

11. The Sodomites want to have sex with angels

The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites. Genesis 19:1-5

12. Lot offers his virgin daughters to the mob to do what you like with them (instead of having sex with the angels)

Lot offers his two virgin daughters to the perverted mob, so they won’t rape the angels.

“Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them” Genesis 19:8

13. Lots wife is turned into a pillar of salt for looking back

Lot’s wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. Genesis 19:26

14. Lots daughters get him drunk and then have sex with him, and get impregnated by him

Lot’s daughters get him drunk and then have sex with him and get impregnated so that they will preserve the family line Genesis 19:30-38

15. Jacob wrestles with God and wins

God must not be very strong… Jacob wrestles with god and wins Genesis 32:24-30

16. The whole world came to Egypt to buy corn from Joseph

“All countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn.”
The Aztecs, the Chinese, and the Indigenous Australians all came to Joseph to buy grain. Genesis: 41:57

17. The Israelite population went from 70 to several million in a few hundred years

The Israelite population went from 70 to several million in a few hundred years. Exodus 1:5, 7, 12:37, 38:26

18. God has a heart to heart with Moses through a burning bush

God has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses through a burning bush. Exodus 3:4-16

19. God shows Moses magic tricks

God tells moses to throw his rod on the ground, it then becomes a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into blood. Exodus 4:2-9

20. God decides to kill Moses because his son wasn’t circumcised

Lucky his Egyptian wife took a sharp stone and cut off the foreskin of her son Exodus 4:24-26

21. Moses and Aaron turn the Nile river into blood

“The fish that was in the river died; and the river stank, and the Egyptians could not drink of the water of the river; and there was blood throughout all the land of Egypt” Exodus 7:17-24

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